Lying is often a learned behaviour and can be a coping mechanism to help avoid negative feelings or feared consequences such as rejection, punishment or judgment. While it’s not unusual to feel hurt or offended by someone lying to us, when we look a little deeper at why people lie we can see that is often much more about that person avoiding pain, filling a void or meeting a need than it is about how they feel about us.
Reasons for lying
There are serious conditions that can include pathological lying, where the individual may feel unable to stop lying, such as antisocial, narcissistic, histrionic personality disorder. There are other conditions like borderline personality disorder and some addictions where lying may happen frequently but is not considered pathological. In these cases, the suggestions provided in Fostering safe communication are less likely to work and you may need to Protect yourself.
Most people that you meet or work with, however, are not experiencing these conditions and may lie because they:
- Have past experiences where they were honest and unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings
- Had someone react with anger or aggression when they told the truth
- Don’t feel safe sharing their honest thoughts, opinions, or experiences
- Want to avoid being ridiculed or shamed
- Worry about people gossiping about them
- Don’t want to disappoint someone with the truth
- Have trouble remembering the details and aren’t aware that what they’re saying isn’t accurate
- Feel a need to embellish something to make it more acceptable or exciting
Reacting to a lie
When we’re lied to, our natural reaction can be to feel:
- Betrayed, and that we can never trust this person again
- Disrespected, as if they think we’re not intelligent enough to figure out the truth
- Angry, that the individual was trying to manipulate us
These reactions can be harmful because they remove the opportunity for us to understand the motivation behind the lie and can make the individual who lied feel shame or fear.
When we hear a lie, or we suspect we’ve been lied to, it’s important we don’t react in a way that can further anchor someone to lying. In moments where you suspect someone is lying or you know they’re lying, ask yourself:
- “I wonder why they don’t feel safe or comfortable telling me the truth?”
- “Are they feeling insecure and that the truth won’t be good enough?”
- “Are they afraid of how they might sound?”
- “Could they be telling me what they wish was true?”
- “Could they be worried about getting in trouble if they share the truth?”
By pausing and asking ourselves these questions, we recognize that there are many valid reasons someone might lie.
Although “catching” someone in a lie may feel satisfying and vindicating, it is likely to leave them feeling exposed and defensive. If you want a better relationship than that, you may want to choose a response that is less confrontational. In a private one-on-one setting, you might say:
- “I’d like to learn more about [whatever they lied about]. Do you feel comfortable sharing the whole story with me?”
- “You sounded uncomfortable sharing that. What can I do to make it easier?”
- “I’m not sure if my memory is serving me correctly. What I remember is…”
- “It’s interesting how we can both have different perspectives about the situation. My recollection of the experience is…”
Each of these is intended to create an opportunity for the other person to feel safe to share the truth. For more information on what to say, check out When someone you care about might be lying.
Fostering safe communication
One way to reduce lying is to create a supportive space where individuals are shown appreciation for sharing their ideas, experiences, and feedback. Here are some actionable ways you can support a safe and supportive environment:
- Celebrate errors and mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of being human. They also happen when we’re learning, growing, and innovating. If you’re a leader, share the mistakes you make throughout the week and invite your team to share ways they can be fixed or prevented in the future. After doing this a few times yourself to set the tone, begin to invite your team to share the errors they’ve made. These conversations become learning opportunities for all team members and can foster trust, understanding and community within your team. When individuals feel safe sharing their mistakes, they’re less likely to hide them or lie about them.
- Thank employees when they share vulnerabilities. There is risk associated with allowing our whole selves to be seen at work. Individuals can fear being judged, ostracized, reprimanded, or ridiculed for who they are. When we allow someone to share their weaknesses or fears and accept them for who they are, we create community and trust. The next time someone shares something personal or vulnerable with you, thank them for doing so in front of whoever is present to let everyone know it is safe to do so.
- Walk the talk. We all mess up sometimes and say the wrong thing, or cause harm unintentionally. The next time this happens to you, thank someone for bringing it to your attention, take accountability for your actions, and have a conversation about how you could do it differently. This lets folks know we are all less than perfect and admitting so is safe to do.
- Ask them what they need. One way to build safe communication is to ask individuals what they need to feel safe being honest and genuine. Some individuals may ask that when you provide constructive feedback you also recognize something they’re doing well, while others might ask that if they share something with you it stays between the two of you. Take note of what they need, and try to provide it whenever possible.
Protect yourself
No one likes to be lied to. We can reduce our own pain and hurt, however, when we realize that lying is most often due to the liar’s own fear or insecurity. We don’t need to accept or go along with a lie and we don’t need to allow them to continue. If you have given someone a chance to tell the truth, and have created a safe place for them to do so, yet they continue to lie to you, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.