Why this matters
Most people are uncomfortable dealing with or tolerating confrontation, whether you’re disagreeing with another person or seeing others engaged in a hostile argument. Confrontation can trigger a range of emotional, cognitive and physical reactions.
Those who aren’t troubled by confrontation may enjoy it and become energized by it. They may see confrontation as a game to win. They fail to recognize the damage this approach might inflict on others. When you’re careless with confrontation, you may inadvertently harm yourself or others.
It’s a source of stress to resist, avoid or feel highly uncomfortable with confrontation.
Learning to tolerate confrontation so you can explore different ideas and perspectives can help you objectively use it to learn and grow.
Explore and reflect
Your reaction to confrontation is shaped by several factors:
- How your family managed confrontation
- What you were told confrontation means about you
- Your personal expectations for your behaviour
Confrontation can make you even more uncomfortable when you:
- Feel it should be avoided at all costs
- Interpret it to mean you’re not being respected, accepted or valued
- Think it indicates a lack of control
You can be more effective if you’re adept at tolerating, and therefore responding appropriately, to conflict.
One useful technique for dealing with confrontation is to take a mental step back from it and contemplate how and why it makes you uncomfortable. Ask yourself if there are:
- Misunderstandings
- Unmet needs
- Stressors not related to the issue at hand
- Past experiences that trigger your emotions and behaviours
Reflecting this way can help you keep emotional interactions in perspective. You can also explore what everyone involved in the confrontation needs to retain a sense of dignity and move toward a resolution.
Reflect on what makes it difficult to tolerate confrontation. Complete the following sentences:
When I’m in a confrontational situation…
- Emotionally, I feel ...
- Physically, I react by ...
- I have the following thoughts about myself ...
- I have the following thoughts about others ...
Now, think of situations in which you tolerated confrontation well. What helpful actions did you take?
Take action
When the next confrontation or difference of opinion arises, think about how you could engage without it becoming personal.
Can you focus on the disputed idea and try to learn about the other person’s perspective rather than defending yourself or staying quiet?
Want to know more? Check out Resolving personal conflict.
Share this with anyone who is intimidated by confrontation.