Why this matters
Triggers are automatic responses to a specific stimuli. Triggers can be people, places or things, as well as smells, words or colours. Emotional triggers are automatic responses to the way others express emotions, like anger or sadness.
For example, you may not have a problem interacting with an angry person, but find it hard to deal with someone who’s crying. The opposite may be true for others.
Emotional triggers always stir up our own emotional response. For example, if we almost always react with extreme discomfort when someone else cries, then crying is an emotional trigger. If we don’t always respond to anger with our own emotion unless we are in danger, anger isn’t a trigger.
Triggers are connected to our thoughts, experiences and memories. We connect a previous interaction with a similar emotional trigger to the current situation at hand.
If you were afraid of clowns when you were a child, seeing a clown now can trigger the emotion of fear. It doesn’t have anything to do with the particular person in the clown costume. Instead, the clown brings up your memories and thoughts of a past experience.
We’re more likely to blame the situation or person if we don’t understand why we react the way we do. For example, we may say the clown is creepy, but there’s nothing creepy about the person in the clown costume.
- Before our emotions arise, we always have a thought
- Our memories and past experiences influence our thoughts
- When we have similar emotional reactions to certain behaviours, like crying or anger, those behaviours may be triggers for our thoughts
- When we identify which thoughts trigger our emotional reactions, we can change them and choose a more helpful response
When we understand that not everyone’s afraid of clowns, we can step back and question what triggered our reaction. Emotional intelligence includes the ability to separate our automatic emotional reactions from our actions.
Identify your triggers
As you read through the list of potential emotional triggers, identify those that are likely to cause a reaction. Although circumstances and how well you’re feeling may intensify your reaction, usually just reading about one of your triggers will cause you to feel emotion.
Potential emotional triggers
Identify which of these behaviours are likely to trigger a reaction in you:
- Passive-aggression
- Whining
- Crying
- Blaming
- Criticizing or judging
- Frustration or irritation
- Worry or nervousness
- Anger
- Victim mentality
- Entitlement
- Aggression or hostility
- Always needing to please
- Silent treatment
- Being ignored or not listened to
- Manipulation
- Deceit or lying
- Sadness or moping
- Unhappiness or misery
- Sarcasm
- High-strung or intense
- Arrogance
- Conceit
- Other
If your reaction to a behaviour is usually emotionally intense, that behaviour may be a trigger for you.
Explore how your thoughts trigger your reaction
Choose one of your emotional triggers. Yes, most of us have more than one!
Think about your usual reaction to that trigger – anger, pity, sadness, shame, guilt, defensiveness, hostility, frustration, overwhelm, fear or something else.
Now think about the thoughts and memories attached to that trigger. Your reaction to the trigger likely comes from a previous thought or memory. For example, “I react with anger to passive-aggressive behaviour. The earliest memory I have of this reaction is with my father. I felt he was trying to manipulate me to conform to his standards, which I thought were flawed. I didn’t have any power or control to fight back as a child and grew to resent this behaviour.”
Your reaction to an emotional trigger could be:
- Anger – when you feel you’re being manipulated, disrespected or played
- Pity or sadness– when you feel the other person is weak or defeated
- Shame or guilt– when you feel their emotion is somehow your fault
- Defensiveness or hostility – when you feel they’re blaming you
- Frustration or overwhelm – when you feel pressured to deal with other people’s emotions
- Fear – when you expect the situation to escalate into something worse
- Any intense emotion
Choose your reaction more objectively
Once you’ve identified your most frequent emotional triggers and explored the thoughts or memories you relate to that trigger, you’re ready to choose your reaction. Rather than giving into the trigger, recognize that you can control your thoughts and memories. You can then look objectively at the current situation and choose a healthier or more appropriate reaction.
This doesn’t mean you won’t always be triggered. But, you can avoid letting the trigger dictate your behaviours and words.
The next time you feel any emotional reaction:
- Ask yourself if you’ve been triggered
- Identify the thoughts and memories that influenced your reaction
- Consider how you can respond appropriately to the current situation
Additional resources
Monitor your impact on others. Your mood affects others, whether you wish it to or not. Strengthen your relationships by being aware of your impact on others.
Track your emotions. Gaining insight into why and when your emotions go up or down can be an important first step to enhancing your self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
What drives behaviour. When we recognize that all human behaviour is an attempt to meet a perceived or actual need, we can choose to look beyond the behaviour and become curious about the need someone’s trying to meet. Behaviours are like the tip of an iceberg – the larger submerged part is the need that drives the behaviour.
Worry myths. It’s rarely, if ever, helpful to worry. Learn fact from fiction when it comes to worry.