These skills can help you strengthen the following abilities:
- Identifying your reactions accurately: Identifying, labeling and differentiating between a range of reactions.
- Understanding the basis for your reactions: Understanding the potential causes and functions of reactions.
- Understanding how your reactions impact others: Understanding how what you say and do affects other people's reactions.
- Understanding how other people's emotions impact you: Understanding how you are affected by negative emotional reactions in the workplace.
Individuals with strengths in this area can be described as:
- Aware of their own emotional reactions
- Skilled at differentiating between a range of emotional states
- Mindful of how they are feeling at any given time
- Comfortable with appropriately expressing a range of emotions at work
- Understanding of the functions served by negative emotions
- Able to pinpoint the causes of their reactions
- Able to avoid personalizing others' reactions
- Aware of how their reactions impact others
- Able to anticipate the impact their behaviour has on workers
- Understanding of workers who may be nervous or apprehensive when it comes to expressing their emotional states
- Tolerant of intense emotions exhibited by others
- Understanding of workers' emotional distress
Understanding anger in the workplace
The emotion of anger can be triggered by a vast range of things. Fundamentally, it relates to the belief that someone has harmed or threatens to harm ourself or someone we care about. Harm in this case refers not only to physical harm, but also to various types of psychological or social harm, such as hurting our pride or attacking our reputation. In merit-based environments like the workplace, real or imagined threats to how people perceive you (reputation, trustworthiness, reliability, etc.) can readily result in anger, and work pressures can exacerbate the emotion. It is helpful for managers to understand anger fully in order to deal with workers who are experiencing it or causing it.
Some triggers for anger may be more likely than others to occur in the workplace. Anger in the workplace can arise, for example, when we believe that:
- We are not receiving our fair share of something desirable such as break time.
- We are receiving more than our fair share of something less desirable or more onerous such as workload.
- Someone has caused, or threatens to cause, our rights to be violated.
- Our pride or ego feels attacked or we feel slighted, wronged, disrespected or insulted.
- Someone threatens our position or prestige.
Certain characteristics of anger are important to understand when managing negative emotions in the workplace:
- Anger can relate not only to things that have taken place, but also to our speculations and assumptions about people or situations. Sometimes we become angry, for example, when we simply assume that others have hostile intentions toward us.
- Thoughts associated with anger can have blaming or judging elements.
“They made me do this, so it’s their fault”; “She’s so selfish”; “He shouldn’t have done that”. - Angry thoughts can have a greater impact when they are worded or imagined in extremes.“My whole project is ruined”; “They never get it right”.
- Anger can intensify when people continually dwell on negative images and Unresolved anger can continue to grow.
- Anger can be expressed overtly or passively. A worker may demonstrate anger overtly with a raised voice, for example, or passively through sarcastic or purposefully ambiguous remarks. Passive-aggressiveness tends to occur when a worker feels it is unsafe to openly express anger, such as when they are angry with a manager.
- Anger may be fueled by a previous incident. Any angry reaction may seem out of proportion for the current situation, but could be related to incidents or experiences that have happened in the past. For example, someone who has been teased repeatedly in the past may seem to over- react to a seemingly mild tease.
It can also be important for managers to understand that anger can be accompanied by involuntary bodily changes of the sort that would allow us to attack others or defend ourselves against threats. The experience of anger varies from person to person, but generally involves physical responses like increased blood pressure (causing raises in skin temperature and flushed skin), rapid heart rate, sweating, teeth grinding or clenching, increased energy and restlessness.
The surge of energy triggered by anger can cause us to behave more aggressively, for example pacing around, slamming doors, snapping at others, yelling, or saying nasty things that are intended to hurt. These factors can threaten to escalate anger emotions in the workplace to a degree where they are a significant threat to psychological health and safety.
Below are examples of situations in which experiences of anger can affect the way we think of ourselves and the way we act. Notice how actions could or would be different if the thoughts were different.
Someone keeps interrupting you while you are communicating something important.
Anger-provoking thoughts:
“He thinks he’s smarter than me.” (mind-reading)
Anger-driven actions:
Raise your voice, speak in a stern tone, make sarcastic remarks about the person
Anger-moderating thoughts:
“He’s anxious and perhaps worried about what I may say.”
You're convinced that your team favours another team leader.
Anger-provoking thoughts:
“They like the other guy more. They won’t appreciate me no matter how hard I work or how much I do for them.”
Anger-driven actions:
Become silent and disengaged during meetings, put less effort into work, give up on trying to excel.
Anger-moderating thoughts:
“My job is to perform effectively in my position – not everyone needs to like me.”
You are required to reorganize your schedule because of last minute changes in deadlines implemented by your leader.
Anger-provoking thoughts:
“My leader thinks I’m more suited for lower level work. She thinks she can do whatever she wants just because she runs the department.”
Anger-driven actions:
Talk negatively about boss behind her back.
Anger-moderating thoughts:
“Not all parts of my job are going to be enjoyable. It’s unfortunate, but part of the deal. It would be unrealistic to expect to always be perfectly happy.”
During a meeting, a co-worker makes a casual remark that sounds like a derisive comment about the your work ethic.
Anger-provoking thoughts:
“He is challenging my authority. I have to rise to the occasion and confront him aggressively on this or else I will lose face.”
Anger-driven actions:
Think of a good “comeback” remark, glare at co-worker, become sarcastic for the rest of the meeting.
Anger-moderating thoughts:
“People tend to know he’s got an abrasive style…his comment reflects more poorly on him than on me.”
You need to push back target deadlines because a team member was unable to deliver her part of the project on time.
Anger-provoking thoughts:
“She is not at all trying to be efficient. She is so useless and lazy.”
Anger-driven actions:
Talk to the team member in an irritable tone, make subtle disparaging remarks in front of other workers, like “we’ll see how long she takes this time.”
Anger-moderating thoughts:
“She’s overloaded and struggling with her own work demands. I should see if there’s a way I can help.”
Although verbally or otherwise outwardly expressing anger may provide short-term emotional relief and the satisfaction of revenge, the long-term consequences can be dire. Understanding how managers and workers might feel in contentious situations can help managers detect and moderate unhealthy, anger- based behaviours before they cause too much damage. It can be helpful to be mindful of angry thoughts and ways to reframe those thoughts.
Understanding fear in the workplace
We experience fear when faced with actual or perceived physical or psychological threats. For some people, fear can feel like extreme nervousness, anxiety, or an intense feeling of “being stressed”. There tends to be a strong physiological component to fear (as fear prepares our body for an adaptive, “fight, flight or freeze” response). Common physical symptoms can include muscle tension (especially in neck and shoulder areas), rapid breathing, increased heart rate, clammy skin, sweatiness, pale or flushed face, shakiness, dizziness and nausea.
Fearful thoughts tend to be focused on predictions of harm, danger or other negative outcomes to ourselves or those we care about. Work responsibilities and duties can be a common motivator of fear. For example, we may have fearful or nervous thoughts about failing to meet a work deadline, about our job security, or about being publicly embarrassed during a presentation. This can be especially difficult for managers, who must monitor not only their own performance, but also that of workers. Fear can affect our concentration, such that we become preoccupied by a potential threat, rather than focusing on our immediate responsibilities. Fear can also lead us to become hyper-alert to cues in our environment that feed or reinforce our fearful thoughts (e.g., noticing signs of non-compliance among workers when we believe they don’t respect our authority).
A natural and common reaction to fear is a strong desire to avoid or escape the situation causing the fear. This can lead us to withdraw from our responsibilities. Typically, we feel a temporary sense of relief when we avoid a fearful situation. For example, consider a person who has postponed a presentation because he feels nervous speaking in front of people. He likely feels relieved by the postponement, temporarily safe from the possibility of public embarrassment. By avoiding the situation, however, he is reinforcing his fear that doing the presentation is dangerous in some way. Through a habit of avoidance (e.g., delegating unpleasant tasks, pushing back deadlines, calling in sick), his fear of speaking in public likely increases in intensity. Ironically, avoidance of things that make us fearful leads to an increase in fear in the long run. It is desirable, therefore, to learn to identify avoidance behaviours and try to curb them.
Below are common situations in which fearful thoughts can lead to avoidance. Pay attention to how traits such as catastrophic thinking, underestimating our own abilities, and “mind-reading” can result in greater fear. Notice how actions could or would be different if the thoughts were different.
A manager is about to train workers on a task that she is not highly comfortable with herself.
Fear-provoking thoughts: “I’ll never pull it off. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I’m going to be completely humiliated.” (catastrophic thinking)
Fear-driven actions: Postpone the training date, telling workers you are “too busy” to train at this point. Look for another manager to co-lead the training.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “The best thing I can do is let others know I’m not an expert on this task but that I’ll do my best and get further information if I’m unclear about anything.”
A manager needs to fire a worker who she knows has financial hardships.
Fear-provoking thoughts: “I’m going to put him on the streets. I will be seen as a jerk by everyone at the office.” (mindreading)
Fear-driven actions: Delay meeting with the worker, try to think of alternatives to firing them.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “This is one of the hardest parts of my job. It will never feel easy, but it’s something that has to be done for the benefit of our entire team.”
A manager has just joined a large company and will be managing people older than he is.
Fear-provoking thoughts: “I’m just a kid.” (underestimating self) Mental image of himself as a small person with others glaring down on him. “They will find out that I’m actually not a real manager and will laugh at me.” (irrational assumptions)
Fear-driven actions: Try to be extra friendly to gain approval. Try to appear older through dress and demeanour.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “I’m young and it may be more challenging for me, as not everyone will accept me, but there’s a reason I was selected for this position and I have to trust that. I can’t control other people’s judgments.
A manager needs to make a presentation. This has never been his strength.
Fear-provoking thoughts: Mental image of being laughed at during school presentations, thinking: “I’m going to completely bomb the presentation. They’re going to think that I sound stupid and I will lose credibility as a manager.”
Fear-driven actions: Delegate the task to a worker who seems more comfortable with public speaking.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “As hard as the presentations always feel, I get through them…they’re definitely not my strength, but it’s never as awful as I think it will be.”
A manager receives an email from HR indicating that a worker has made a complaint against her and that there will be an inquiry.
Fear-provoking thoughts: “I must have said or done something wrong without realizing it. I’m going to be demoted. My reputation is going down the drain.”
Fear-driven actions: Stop doing the tasks at hand. Think about past actions that might have caused the complaint. Hide in your office.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “I have to trust I’ve handled things to the best of my ability. I need to get all the information before I react.”
A manager has misplaced an important confidential client file.
Fear-provoking thoughts: “That is so irresponsible of me. I’m losing my mind. I can’t handle this job. I will probably get fired over this.”
Fear-driven actions: Hide the fact that the file is lost.
Fear-moderating thoughts: “I’m not perfect. I’ll do my best to locate the file in time and apologize if I need to. The client knows I am usually well prepared.
From these examples, we see that fear can range from slight nervousness to sheer panic. Sometimes fear can propel us to act in constructive ways. For example, it motivates us to spend extra time preparing for a presentation. Or, fear can move us to prioritize certain things, like looking for an important file.
Other times, however, fear can prevent us from doing what we need to do. We begin to avoid things because we feel we are unable to face them. Other times, we become so focused on the source of fear that we neglect everything else, as in the example of the manager who dwells on the worker’s complaint instead of continuing with daily responsibilities. Recognizing fear and helpful and unhelpful ways of reacting can allow us to make better decisions when we find ourselves in emotionally intense situations.
Understanding guilt in the workplace
Guilt is a feeling we experience when we believe we have done something wrong or bad, or when we have not done something we think we should have. Guilt lingers when we dwell on thoughts of what we should or should not have done. In some situations (e.g., if you did in fact act in a way you shouldn’t have), guilt is a natural and helpful response that motivates attempts to apologize or repair the damage. There are times, however, when guilt does not serve a useful purpose, and it can disrupt effective functioning in the workplace.
Guilt can often involve negative, self-judgmental thoughts (“I should have”, “I shouldn’t have”), potentially causing us to see ourselves as bad, irresponsible, undeserving or selfish. Guilt can have mental and physical manifestations similar to sadness or anxiety. It might be felt in the gut (“pangs” of guilt), or lead to increased heart rate, rapid breathing or dryness in the throat.
There can be a strong ruminative component to guilt, meaning we continue to dwell on guilty thoughts well beyond what might be useful in seeking a solution to their cause. It can thereby cripple us physically, destroying our motivation to do anything other than thinking about the guilt. Lethargy or fatigue can set in.
When we feel guilty, our natural response is to do something to offset the feeling, to right the wrong. This might mean saying something to justify the actions that caused the guilt. We might, for example, explain to others why we did or did not do something, hoping to convince ourselves and others that we were not wrong. Verbally justifying our actions in this way can come across as “being defensive.”
Guilty actions can also involve doing something to lessen the impact of the perceived wrong. For example, if something we said upset a person, we may do nice things for them to “make up for it.” Finally, like other anxiety-related feelings, guilt can also naturally lead to avoidance. Someone who feels guilty about a past event may try to change the subject when someone brings it up in conversation.
Below are situations that can provoke feelings of guilt and related anxiety. Notice how these types of guilt-provoking thoughts can make us feel uncomfortable and can push us to do something to rid ourselves of the feeling. Also note how actions could or would be different if the thoughts were different.
A manager is respectfully giving negative feedback to a worker. The worker begins to cry.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “I am such a jerk. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’m a bad person.”
Guilt-driven actions: Desperately try to comfort the worker. Take back the criticisms and apologize profusely.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “I had to provide the feedback, and not giving it wouldn’t serve anyone well. I did the best I could to be respectful and understanding as I delivered the message.”
A manager sees that her worker is struggling because she has not found time to train him properly.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “I am an irresponsible manager.”
Guilt-driven actions: Avoid looking at the worker. Try to make it up to them by lowering expectations about their work.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “I’ve had so many demands on me that it’s been impossible to do everything...the best I can do is express to the worker how I feel and set a time for when I can provide proper training.”
A project is delayed for the entire department because a manager was unable to have his team complete their contribution by the deadline.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “I have failed everybody. I dropped the ball. I am irresponsible.”
Guilt-driven actions: Do extra favours for others, offer to take on extra work on a future project.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “The project has been huge and there is only so much I can realistically get done. I am usually excellent at meeting my deadlines.
A manager finds out that one of her workers has skipped visiting home for Christmas in order to help finish a project she is leading.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “It’s all my fault that she can’t be with her family for Christmas. I don’t deserve her dedication.”
Guilt-driven actions: Apologize to the worker for “making her miss Christmas.” Offer to help do her share of the workload.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “I repeatedly and sincerely conveyed that I did not want her to change her plans and that we would manage without her. I can’t be responsible for her choice.
A manager has placed a worker on probation due to poor performance. The worker seems devastated.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “I’m such a jerk. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. I really should be more understanding.”
Guilt-driven actions: Be lenient on the rules of probation, letting the worker go unsupervised again to avoid hurting her feelings. Be extra friendly to all staff to highlight your kind and humane side.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “I know from experience that performance would worsen if there weren’t early steps taken to rectify this…it’s unfortunate, but it’s something that had to be done.”
A worker has requested to meet one-on-one with his manager to discuss further opportunities. Three weeks and several reminder emails later, the manager still has not made time to meet the worker.
Guilt-provoking thoughts: “I don’t care enough about my workers. I’m such a bad person.”
Guilt-driven actions: Apologize profusely. Set up an extra long meeting in hope of making up for the delay.
Guilt-moderating thoughts: “It’s not that I don’t care about the worker, as I do want to make time. My travel schedule hasn’t allowed it, but I will make a commitment to schedule a meeting that occurs within the next two weeks.”
Sometimes being a manager involves doing things you wouldn’t normally do in your personal life, such as providing negative feedback or giving directive orders. When you do these things at work, you might start to doubt yourself and feel guilty. Guilt can drive us to do things that bring short-term emotional relief, but long-term difficulty. For example, a problem some managers face is having trouble saying “no”. We may take on burdensome extra work simply because we feel obligated due to guilty feelings that we are not being a good manager. This can lead to poor work/life balance.
Another danger related to guilt is that when we are overly apologetic, or always sound defensive when challenged, we lose credibility as a manager. It can be important to remember that guilt may not be rational. Sometimes we may in fact be at fault, but sometimes guilt might just result from the dictates of our unfair internal judge.
Next time you feel guilty, you may want to ask yourself whether in fact you did anything wrong (e.g., “Have I really been selfish, or is this just part of my job?”) If the answer is “yes,” then doing something about it, like apologizing or offering to do something for the person you have wronged may be a good strategy. However, if the answer is “no,” then you need to be careful not to act against your interests (e.g., taking on work you don’t have time for simply out of guilt).
It is helpful to notice guilt when you feel it, and to pause to ensure you act rationally rather than simply following your initial feelings.
Understanding sadness in the workplace
Sadness (or hurt) is an emotion that makes us feel low, down or “blue”. In the extreme, we may feel hopelessness or despair. Sadness is often tied to a sense of loss of something dear to us. We may, for example, grieve over the death of someone special, or over the loss of physical abilities as we age.
Sadness may also involve an overwhelming feeling of disappointment when our hopes or wishes are dashed. Finally, sadness can take the form of feelings of loneliness or isolation – a sense that we are disconnected from others. We can experience sadness physically through a slowing of our nervous system, lethargy, fatigue, and an urge to cry. We may also have decreased appetite and trouble sleeping. Some people experience aches and pains in their body.
Thoughts associated with sadness tend to be negative and self-critical (“I am so inadequate”). We may also experience sadness in conjunction with negative predictions about our future (“I won’t do well as a manager”), causing us to feel less hopeful. Negative thoughts about other people (“People will always see me as a weak person”) or about the world (“The corporate world is a cold, hostile place”) can also dampen our mood. Mental images, furthermore, can elicit sadness. For example, we might recall a disapproving look on a teacher’s face. When negative thoughts are extreme (e.g., “I have nothing good to offer,” “No one will ever give me a chance again”), feelings of sadness tend to intensify.
When we feel sad, we likely feel less energetic. Often, sadness involves withdrawing from others and becoming quiet and inactive. We may also express our feelings outwardly through crying or sighing. Because we are thinking sad thoughts and feeling blue, our talking might also become pessimistic and self-deprecating. All of these factors can make sadness in the workplace particularly challenging.
Below are examples of situations that may involve sad (or hurt) feelings, thoughts and behaviours while at work. Notice how actions could or would be different if the thoughts were different.
A manager receives a very negative performance review.
Sadness-provoking thoughts: “I’m terrible at what I do. I’m not cut out to be a manager. I don’t belong in this department.”
Sadness-driven actions: Stay inside office, withdraw from interactions with workers.
Sadness-moderating thoughts: “The feedback is hard to hear but is fair…as much as I hate to admit it, it will help me in my career development.”
A manager needs to lay off several workers due to budget issues; some of these workers have been around for decades.
Sadness-provoking thoughts: “What a terrible situation. I will never see these people again.”
Sadness-driven actions: Try to continue working, but struggle with a slow pace. Maintain a somber facial expression. Remain quiet and do not socialize.
Sadness-moderating thoughts: “Feeling sad is normal and means I care; I will miss these workers but will find ways to maintain contact over time. Expressing to them how I feel is important for them to know they were valued.”
A manager gets left out of a non-work social event organized by a few people in the department.
Sadness-provoking thoughts: “They don’t enjoy my company. People here can’t stand me.”
Sadness-driven actions: Avoid socializing with workers in the department. Seek isolation. Try to look “too busy” to socialize.
Sadness-moderating thoughts: “It’s natural to feel left out but I can understand it may be hard for people to feel themselves if the manager is around…I’ve been on the other side of this situation before. It’s not personal.”
A manager has had some of her more challenging responsibilities shifted to another manager, who has completed the duties with no problems.
Sadness-provoking thoughts: “I’m being replaced. Soon I will not have much of a role here.”
Sadness-driven actions: Speak in a less authoritative tone. Become less motivated at work. Lounge around in the office, procrastinating on work.
Sadness-moderating thoughts: “I know I wasn’t as strong in those skills but I excel in others; the decision was the best for the organization.”
A manager was passed up for a career opportunity after working hard on applying for it.
Sadness-provoking thoughts: “What’s the point of trying? I might as well give up and accept my status quo. I’ve missed my chance to advance. I’m stuck in this position for life.”
Sadness-driven actions: Give up trying to improve. Do work that is just “good enough.” Do not seek new opportunities.
Sadness-moderating thoughts: “I can’t let myself be discouraged; there have been a lot of times in the past when I’ve not achieved what I wanted, but with hard work and time I will reap the rewards of my efforts.”
As you may have noticed based upon the examples, sad feelings can be more complex when other types of feelings and motivations are also involved. For example, the feeling of emotional pain and hurt can result when you have experienced or perceived an interpersonal betrayal. Sympathy is experienced when the sadness relates to feeling badly for another person. We can have regret when the sadness pertains to something that has been done or not done in the past.
When sadness sets in, a natural response is to withdraw from others and to dwell on the cause of the sadness. This can impact workplace performance. Unfortunately, when others see this behaviour they may perceive us as less confident about our abilities as managers. They might respond to us in an uninterested, apathetic manner, causing us to feel even more down. It can be useful, therefore, to recognize feelings of sadness and to be mindful of our actions despite how we’re feeling. It is important not to ignore sadness, and to seek support if you believe it is necessary.
Understanding shame in the workplace
Shame is an emotion experienced when we feel that we are inadequate. It is the opposite of pride. Shame is very similar to guilt, in that both involve negative self-judgment. Guilt occurs when we feel badly about what we have (or have not) done, whereas shame occurs when we feel badly about ourselves as a person. Embarrassment and shyness are mild forms of shame. On a more intense level, we might feel disgusted with ourselves. When we feel ashamed, we feel we have lost face and lost esteem.
Thoughts that occur when we’re feeling ashamed might include things like “Everyone probably thinks I’m a fool,” or “I’m such an idiot!” We might also have mental images or past memories of a group of people laughing at the way we talk, or of our parents furrowing their eyebrows over our misdeeds. The most common bodily symptoms of shame are blushing and flushed skin. Sometimes sweating, increased heart rate, and rapid breathing can also occur. The symptoms are similar to those associated with anxiety. Often, feelings of shame kick in when we are embarrassed or humiliated in front of other people (e.g., during a presentation). They can also happen when no one else is around (e.g., when we realize that we’ve made a mistake). It’s the internal realization or perception that we are somehow inadequate, incapable or incompetent that drives these feelings. When others are present, however, the feelings are likely harder to bear.
When we feel ashamed, it is natural to want to hide our face and withdraw. Associated body language tends to involve looking downward, lowering the head, looking away or maintaining a crouched posture. We might lose focus on what we are doing and speak less coherently. Imagine what you would see when a shy worker (or other shy person) has to make a speech. You may see them shake, blush and stumble over words. Our natural response to shame is to attempt to escape the feelings by running away and hiding. We might even have an urge to cover our eyes or face.
Below are examples of situations in which experiences of shame can affect the way we think of ourselves and the way we act. Notice how actions could or would be different if the thoughts were different.
During a meeting, a worker of less seniority answers a question that the manager couldn’t answer.
Shame-provoking thoughts: “She totally upstaged me. I look like an idiot.”
Shame-driven actions: Try to redeem the situation by acting like the answer was clear all along. Try to be more vocal during the rest of the meeting.
Shame-moderating thoughts: “No one I’ve ever met always knows the answer to everything. No reasonable person is going to expect me to always know.”
A manager starts to stammer at a very difficult meeting with fellow managers and workers.
Shame-provoking thoughts: “They’ve probably lost respect for me. I look like a fool.”
Shame-driven actions: Stay quiet throughout the rest of the meeting to avoid drawing attention.
Shame-moderating thoughts: “I probably came across as nervous and upset – which is exactly how I felt. I’ve never myself seen someone stammer and thought they must be a fool.”
The annual sales report just came out and a manager’s departmental results are the lowest in the company.
Shame-provoking thoughts: Mental image of an old boss or teacher frowning at a failure. “I’m a terrible manager. I better spend extra effort, time, or whatever it takes to boost sales so I don’t lose face again.”
Shame-driven actions: Do not tell others about poor performance. Work overtime, sacrifice personal resources to recruit customers.
Shame-moderating thoughts: “I do need to dedicate more attention to increasing sales next quarter. Someone had to come in last, and it feels terrible for it to be me, but I will get through this. The best I can do is try harder.”
A manager thoughtlessly utters what he sees could be perceived as an insensitive comment. People in the room become silent and stare at the manager.
Shame-provoking thoughts: Mental image of a parent or teacher shaking her head in disapproval. “Oh no, now everyone is going to think I’m just an insensitive jerk. Maybe I am. I’m so flawed. I cannot bear to be stared at any longer.”
Shame-driven actions: Apologize profusely. Try to explain that it’s a misunderstanding. Avoid eye contact.
Shame-moderating thoughts: “I had no intention to be inappropriate. People know me and know that I don’t usually make questionable comments.”
There is a team meeting about progress on a project. Most workers have worked overtime to finish their contributions. The manager reports that she has not gotten around to starting her component.
Shame-provoking thoughts: “I’m a bad leader. I’m irresponsible and lazy.”
Shame-driven actions: Talk defensively, make excuses.
Shame-moderating thoughts: “I haven’t started my part but I know what my responsibility is and I will get it done, just as I usually do.”
Understanding the different contributors to shame can help us identify the feeling when we experience it. This allows us to do something to help lessen these uncomfortable feelings in the heat of the moment. It is also important to note that shame, like other negative emotions, is not necessarily useless. As evident in the examples, we can sometimes be driven to improve by fears of shame and loss of face. We might become more competitive, put extra time and effort into our work, or strive to project a professional image. Although shameful experiences may lead to greater productivity, they also set a negative tone for our day-to-day feelings and drain our energy.
It is helpful to be aware of what underlies our feelings of shame. What sort of negative self-judgment do we make, or what is it about ourselves we are disapproving of? Knowing these things can make us more mindful of the ways we act.