Accessible version of Resolving personal conflict

Overview

In this module, you’ll learn steps when you need to resolve personal conflict without damaging your relationship.

To access the non-conforming version of this module, see the Resolving personal conflict module.

Below is the transcript for the Resolving personal conflict YouTube video.

Transcript

Description: Workplace Strategies for Mental Health, Compliments of Canada Life logo
Narrator: Conflict happens – especially in situations where we have a deeper need that’s not being met. 
Description: A woman appears on screen who is on her laptop and holding a piece of paper. She is arguing with someone on a video call and clearly frustrated.
Narrator: That need could be for respect, clarity, validation, control, safety or something else. Before tensions rise too much, take a step back to figure out what these needs might be. 
Description: The same woman is now talking to someone in-person more calmly.
Narrator: Once you understand how you’re viewing the situation and consider how the other person might be thinking and feeling, you’ll likely be better able to find common ground – or to just let it go.
Description: A magnifying glass is drawn by a line and the words “Assess the emotion you’re feeling” appears. The text then switches to, “Are you frustrated?”, “Afraid”, “Sad”, “Disappointed or something else?”
Narrator: Assess the emotion you are feeling – are you frustrated, afraid, sad, disappointed or something else?
Description: A woman appears on screen working on a laptop. She is in thought and looks out the window. The text appears “What are you telling yourself?”, “Do you think the person is doing this to frustrate you?”, “Are you overwhelmed?”, “Are you concerned something will go wrong?” 
Narrator: Next, identify the thoughts that are fueling this emotion. What are you telling yourself about this situation? Do you think the person is doing this to frustrate you on purpose? Are you overwhelmed by other demands? Are you concerned that something will go wrong if you don’t resolve this conflict your way?
Narrator: Once you know how you’re thinking and feeling, you can be more objective and less likely to react in a negative way.
Narrator: Conflict often happens when one (or both) people’s needs aren’t being met. 
Narrator: Know what it is that you need. This could be recognition, fairness, understanding, security, predictability, or balance. 
Description: A silhouette of a person with a checkmark is drawn by a line and the words “Consider what the other person might need” appears.
Narrator: Also consider what the other person might need. Are there other things going on that may be contributing to how you’re each thinking about the situation?
Description: A video of a man working at home on his laptop with a woman working behind him appears. He is clearly distressed, putting his hands over his face.
Narrator: There could be issues with family, finances, health, reputation or sense of security at home or work that are amplifying feelings about this situation.
Description: A heart is drawn by a line and the words “What might be influencing the other person to be resistant, angry, fearful or resistant?” appears.
Narrator: Think about what might be influencing the other person to be angry, fearful or resistant. This can often help you manage your own reaction more effectively.
Description: An illustration of a coaches play book is drawn by a line and the words “Ask someone you trust to fact check or challenge your perspective” appears.
Narrator: It can also help to ask someone you trust, but who isn’t involved in the conflict, to fact-check or challenge your perspective. 
Description: A man and woman appear. They are working in a cafe. The woman appears stressed.
Narrator: Sometimes when we’re experiencing intense emotions, it’s tough to see clearly what might be going on for us or someone else.
Description: A different man and woman appear on screen walking on a paved path. They are in conversation.
Narrator: Once you have a more objective perspective, start a conversation with the other person – and be sincere. You could start with, “I want to improve our relationship. Are you open to talking about this? I want to understand where you’re coming from.”
Description: Chat bubbles are drawn by a line and the words “Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity” appears.
Narrator: Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity so you can understand their needs first. 
Description: A video of a man and woman chatting, both smiling appears. They are working in a cafe.
Narrator: Don’t rehash the past, point fingers or lay blame.  Share what you feel they need, and ask if you have it right. From there you can begin to develop a resolution. This approach works most of the time, but if you continue to struggle, reach out to someone who can help.   
Description: Workplace Strategies for Mental Health, Compliments of Canada Life logo

Description: Search for other useful tips on the Workplace Strategies website. clwsmh.com/elearning

Workplace conflict

Problem: You just can’t seem to agree, and tensions are rising. How can you manage the situation without damaging your relationship? 

Conflict happens – especially in situations where we have a deeper need that’s not being met. That need could be for respect, clarity, validation, control, safety or something else. Before tensions rise too much, take a step back to figure out what these needs might be. Once you understand how you’re viewing the situation and consider how the other person might be thinking and feeling, you’ll likely be better able to find common ground – or to just let it go.

Steps to manage the situation

Hello! This is Carlos. I will explain steps to manage the situation without damaging your relationship that can help ensure you can do what needs to be done before tensions rise. 

Name your thoughts

Don’t let your emotions get in the way. 

Assess needs

Figure out what needs aren’t being met.

Step back

Consider what else might be going on.

Use empathy

Put yourself in their shoes.

Challenge thinking

Consult someone you trust.

Talk it out

Start a conversation.

Remember! Before tensions rise, take a step back to figure out what’s really going on, both for you and for the other person. You may find that once you learn their point of view, you’ll be better able to find common ground – or to just let it go.

Approaches that can help you to work through conflict

• Identify any thoughts you have that trigger your emotions around the conflict.
• Manage your reactions so you don’t cause yourself extra stress or say or do things you’ll regret.
• Figure out if there’s a need you have that’s not being met in the situation.
• Take a step back. Is there anything else in your life that could be causing you to feel this way about the situation?
• Put yourself in their shoes. Consider any unmet needs or life stressors that could be affecting how they’re responding.
• Talk to someone you trust and who can give impartial insight.
• Talk it out when you’re ready. Be curious and stay away from blame or attacks on character.

While differences of opinion are inevitable and can even be useful, intense conflict can be draining and damage relationships. 

Draw on your self-awareness and empathy in terms of your thoughts, emotions and needs – and those of the other person. Begin a conversation with curiosity about their needs. Avoid blaming or humiliating. Seek to find a path forward that will work for both of you.  

And if you realize the outcome is not important to your integrity, be genuinely ready to let it go.

Unmet needs and emotional reactions

Differences of opinion are not bad. We can often discuss them calmly and learn from the perspective of others. But when they become a source of tension, they can damage relationships. What unmet need might add to the tension and emotional reaction?

Click each tab to learn more about unmet needs and emotional reactions:

• Lack of fairness
  • Anger
• Lack of control
  • Anxiety
• Lack of security
  • Fear
• Lack of balance
  • Overwhelm
• Lack of respect
  • Humiliation or anger

Remember! Being able to name how you feel and linking it to an unmet need can help you put the situation into perspective. It can also help you avoid letting the conflict get to you, or cause you to respond in ways that make things worse for you.

Life outside work

Other things going on in our life can sometimes amplify how we’re feeling or responding to a situation.

Take a step back to consider what else might be going on in your life or at work…

• Family issues
• Financial stress
• Health problems
• Relationship problems
• Loss and grief 

Knowledge check

Let’s re-cap what you learned so you can put it into practice.

See Responses below to see the answers to the following 2 questions.

1. Conflict can be useful when we can:
   • Learn more about someone’s perspective.
   • Find common ground.
   • Identify our own emotional response.
   • All of the above
2. What are some of the things you can do before damaging a relationship through conflict?
   • Identify the thoughts or unmet needs that might be triggering your emotion.
   • Take a step back to consider if your reaction is connected to anything else in your life.
   • Talk to someone you trust who can give impartial insight.
   • Stay away from blame or attacks on character.
   • All of the above.

Responses

1. All of the above. When we can see conflict as a difference of opinion rather than an attack to be defended against, we can be curious to learn more about the perspective of the other as well as our own emotions and reactions.
2. All of the above. All of these, as well as having empathy by trying to consider what might be going on for the other person not only can help you deal with conflict more effectively, but can significantly reduce your own stress.

Tip sheet and resources

We’ve put together a tip sheet with the main learning points of this module. We recommend you save or print it as a reference. There are also free resources you can use if you want a deeper dive on this subject.

• Resolving personal conflict tip sheet | PDF
• Resolving personal conflict module
• Preparing for a difficult conversation 
• Resolving personal conflict webpage
• Conflict response for leaders 
• Resolving personal conflict YouTube video
• Listen to understand 
• For more Microlearning modules like this one

We welcome your feedback on this module or any of our resources. Please contact us with your suggestions.